Anonymous: May 2012

Here am I.

I've found that anonymity has no place in life. The well lived life is defined by the flow of information. The more I learn and the more I teach the better my life will be. The subject of this blog will be my self; my thoughts, feelings, observations, beliefs, as much as I can lay bare to you.

This does not mean that I disregard the control of information, I will carry certain secrets to my grave. This means that I recognize how powerful this information can be and I try to treat it with the respect it deserves.

As such there will be no gossip, no news, no lies, no fiction displayed here. I will share prudently in order to guard the lives and secrets of those I love while still sharing what depth of understanding they've helped me to attain.

I don't know how long this will last. This may be a flight of fancy or a capricious whim, it may find its way into the annals of history. Whatever the case may be, my only intention is to use this tool to build my life and my self. I only hope that my life is worth living, and that I am worth knowing.

You are welcome to read, you are welcome to comment, you are welcome to enter my experience in whatever way you see fit. But please, respect me for who I am.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Broken and Alone

I'm getting sicker. What little energy I have is insufficient for the hour or two of activity that I manage each day. And then at the end I come home broken and alone. I can't communicate like I used to, I can't engage people the way I used to. Everything I do is restricted by my limited health, and I'm having a hard time finding people that sincerely care about me. I know that they are there, I've gathered enough evidence to pinpoint one or two people who have legitimate care for my well-being, but I have to fight to see them. I don't know if it's brain chemistry or simply being alone for so long every day, but things are hazy, and they're not getting any clearer.

I wish I could find an answer for this, but I'm scared I never will. I'll continue to do what I can to push through, but I don't know what to call success. Invariably, I just end up at home, alone, waiting for the pain to end.