Broken and Alone

I'm getting sicker. What little energy I have is insufficient for the hour or two of activity that I manage each day. And then at the end I come home broken and alone. I can't communicate like I used to, I can't engage people the way I used to. Everything I do is restricted by my limited health, and I'm having a hard time finding people that sincerely care about me. I know that they are there, I've gathered enough evidence to pinpoint one or two people who have legitimate care for my well-being, but I have to fight to see them. I don't know if it's brain chemistry or simply being alone for so long every day, but things are hazy, and they're not getting any clearer.

I wish I could find an answer for this, but I'm scared I never will. I'll continue to do what I can to push through, but I don't know what to call success. Invariably, I just end up at home, alone, waiting for the pain to end.

What is it?

I have to wonder if there's something that I'm missing.

There have been four distinct instances in my life where my closest circle of friends has deliberately removed themselves from me. In each instance it has been those that I love, respect, trust, and rely on the most, and it has been far too complete and far too sudden to have happened by chance. Each occurrence has come during a different "phase" of my life; once during the latter years of high school, once during my freshman year of college, once shortly after my mission, and now. So I'm fairly certain that I've been a better person each time it's happened, and yet they still walk away.

So the question stands, what is it?

All I know for certain is that I am alone for the foreseeable future, and that it hurts more each time. I'm not a bad person, at most I'm ignorant of what I've done or what it is about me.

But yeah, if you have any ideas, let me know.

Compliments

When did compliments become so scary?

A long time ago I resolved to focus on and express appreciation for the good I see in others. When I think someone looks good, I'm going to tell them. When a person performs well, I'm going to tell them. When someone does or is something that is deserving of recognition, I express that. I do everything in my power to be honest and sincere, I avoid empty flattery, and I work to express myself in a timely and appropriate way. But I know so many wonderful people, people that deserve more praise then I could ever hope to give them, that choose not to accept compliments. Whether they make a joke of it and push it aside, or ignore it, or simply choose not to believe it, any attempt at a sincere compliment is reduced to shaking air. I cannot find an effective way to impress upon these individuals my sincerity, and it hurts. It hurts because they need to have a healthy appreciation of the good in themselves, and it hurts because they regard what I say as something less than truth.

When I give someone a compliment I am expressing my love for them. Whether I've just met them or I've known them for years doesn't matter, sincere praise is an expression of love. When an individual disregards the sincere praise that I give to them, they're disregarding my feelings for them. I know that they don't intend to hurt me, but this is what happens.

I recognize that there are so many reasons for doubting the good in ourselves. I also recognize that there are just as many reasons to doubt others. I and my contemporaries also happen to be in a pivotal and monumental time of life; marriage, starting a family, beginning a career, even just learning to live on our own gives everything so much more weight, so much more value. Because of this (and so much more) it can be terrifying to think of trusting another person enough to let them influence our lives.

But why should we fear it? It's because of this incredible value and monumental importance that we should cherish the good we find in others and in ourselves. We should be open and honest about how we feel, and cherish the feelings of others. There is so much riding on our development and success, there is so much of life yet to be lived. Why then should we limit our experience? Why throttle our emotions? Why deny the emotions of others? Why should we be surprised when we see good in others? Why should we be afraid when others see the good in us? I say that we ought to love, and be loved in return.

Yes, we need to exercise caution. Yes, we're gonna get hurt now and again. But we should never, ever sacrifice the good because we're afraid of the bad. We only need prepare ourselves, fill ourselves with love and respect and concern for ourselves and those around us, and we can be successful in any instance.

I cannot see any reason for fear.

Amen to That

I watched this CES Fireside last Sunday and it was absolutely what I needed to hear. My favorite part was the bit about the "mask of anonymity".

http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/languages/ces-devotionals/2012/03?lang=eng

I Fell Like A Waif

As my health has declined these past few weeks I've felt my progression change. It's weird to put words to the idea, but it's as if I'm on a six lane highway and I have to slow down so that my car will last the trip. But as I slow down I both pay more attention to my vehicle and to the movements of the cars around me. Now take this concept of movement and relative speed, leave the people, and replace the cars with spheres of influence and the highway with experience. (Also recognize that, for the purposes of this monologue, an individual's sphere of influence is almost entirely their self.) When I interact with others I feel like I can see them moving around and past me, I can see them moving through the ether taking advantage of the opportunities that appear. I can almost literally see them move. I can see these people around me, with the capacity to fulfill their potential, progressing towards that fulfillment. It seems to me that my potential rivals the best of them, but that I am incapable of moving with the swiftness and direction that they have.  

From this viewpoint I see people that I would fit with, I see groups of individuals moving in tandem and heading towards a common end, I see this vast community of people defined in large part by their movement and speed relative to one another and to an encompassing standard. And yet, invariably, I cannot keep up with them. I cannot become a member of their group despite being a member of their community. I must move at a different pace because of my condition, because of my limitations, and because of that I am left behind. Not so much left behind, but left between. I move from group to group not because I choose to, not because of some noble ability to fly here and there on a whim, but because the groups around me are always changing. In slowing down I have become an anomaly in this ever changing environment, and because of that I often find myself alone.

When I move through a group (or a group moves around me) I become a temporary member. I have a fleeting glance at that group's inner workings during a brief period of interaction and mutual influence, but then we continue at our respective speeds and separate. I most often find myself between groups; I find myself alone physically, emotionally, and intellectually at different times and in different ways. And there are some absolutely terrifying times when I find myself alone in every way at once. 

I feel like there has to be a fairly large change before I'll be a more permanent member of a group. I don't know if I have to remove the circumstances that limit my pace or if I have to find someone to pull me along. I know that these are both things that I want, but I don't know if either is a lasting solution (let alone the best solution). I don't even know if there is a solution, or if I need a solution. Maybe my unique pace and perspective grant me some profound autonomy, some blessed ability to move in more meaningful and deliberate ways. 

I don't know. I fell like a waif amongst these distinctions and now I try and make the best of what I don't know. Thrilling moments of connection and belonging punctuate the otherwise empty space between groups within a community. All I know for certain is that I have to keep moving.

Reasons

I've been laying in bed for the last little while thinking about why I do certain things. The most pressing of which is why I don't try to go to bed earlier than 3 or 4 AM. The short answer is that I'm afraid. The long answer is... well, long.

In the past month and a half (give or take) there's only been one occasion where I've been able to fall asleep before 3AM. As of the last week and a half (closer to two, probably) I've just given up. I only go to bed when there is no doubt in my mind that I'll be able to fall asleep within a half-hour of my head hitting the pillow. I've realized that the reason I do this is because I'm afraid that if I fall asleep at a normal time then I'll no longer have a good reason for feeling awful the next day. If I fall asleep at ten then I have no reason for waking up at 1 PM, I have no reason for not having a productive day, I have no reason for staying home most of the day, and I have no reason not to trudge down to campus to stare that great dragon square in the face.

I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that my long list of neurological, sleep, and physical maladies are good reasons to stay home and take care of myself. It seems to me that a lot of it rests on the fact that I just want to be normal. I don't want to have a debilitating neurological disorder, I don't want to fall behind the rest of the world. But I do, and I have, and I feel like I need a concrete reason for it all. Or something like that. Once again, I don't know.

I know that I should hit the hay earlier. I know that I should try everything I can, and when none of it works I should start right back at the top of the list. I know that this will improve my health if I ever do fall asleep, and even if I don't then my efforts will add a measure of validation to forcibly slow pace. But I'm scared, irrationally so.

That's it!

I love the Lord, it's evenings like this that make everything worth while. I was scared and in a hard place, I was diligent in doing what I know is right, I came into an opportunity to thrive because of that diligence, and then as I proceeded to act on the promptings I received the Lord gave me the answer to my heaviest question in the most glorious way! The revelation is so simple and so profound, I just laughed out loud and fell into my chair and even now I can't help but laugh and smile and thrill at the blessings of God!

I'm just gonna be grateful for what I have! I'm just gonna love! My Heavenly Father and his Son love me infinitely, my family loves me more than I can ever comprehend, I have friends who care for me more than I can see, but what's most crucial is that I can love others without restraint! It is only fitting that this revelation comes with tears of joy. There is so much love, and I am so grateful!

Patriotism.

Yesterday I went for a hike up Rock Canyon, and it was amazing. As I walked up the hill I listend to music, but once I reached the mouth of the canyon I turned all of that off, put on my hat and gloves, and set out into the snow alone with my thoughts. The quiet in the canyon was perfect. As I moved there was nothing but my own footsteps to distract me, and when I stopped the whole world stood still. There was a section of the canyon, a little further up where the sunlight touches it in the afternoon, that crackled and dripped with melting snow. But even then the sound was so solitary and pristine that echoed only in my soul. 

Despite the peace I felt and the veritable cornucopia of blessings I received up in the canyon, what struck me most was the scene I walked up to on my way home. As I approached the little section of street you see in the photo above I saw that there was something lying in the road. As I got closer I saw two young men stop; one letting his bicycle fall on the side of the road, the other stopping his car and blocking traffic in order to pick up what had apparently fallen from a car that passed earlier. 

These college students deliberately stopped to pick up these two American flags from the road. They didn't just clear the road, they weren't just thinking of their fellow travelers, they took the time to take those flags and stand them up. They thrust those flagpoles into the ground so that the symbol of their nation wouldn't be left in a heap, but would stand proudly in the crisp winter wind. 

I can't claim to know where those young men were headed, I don't know what they set aside to care for their nation, but I know that they did. I know that they had enough respect for their country to set everything aside for a brief moment and show their respect and support for the place that has been prepared for them and the country that has given them so much. This is what patriotism is to me.

I can't help but think of those that have given their lives for our nation; both those that have died in conflict and those who have lived in service. I can't help but think of my own father who brought his own unique talents and valuable gifts to his nation and served for nearly thirty years. And even now, after he's retired he still supports the home front. He still cares for his family, pays his taxes, supports his community, votes in every election, he still supports the land that has given him so much. 

I then think of myself, what can I do to serve? What will I do? What have I done? Patriotism isn't blindly supporting an institution that you have no control over. It is diligently seeking information and understanding of what the government is and what it can be. It is actively participating in and striving to improve the system that has prevailed in this land for so long. It is stepping up in the home and community to be an example and a bastion of citizenship and kindness. It is setting aside your plans and acting when a president is to be elected, a jury summons comes, a neighbor needs a hand, or when a flag falls in the road.

All or nothing...

I've been thinking lately about a friend of mine, and absolutely wonderful woman that I've only really met in these last few months. As we got to know each other it became rather apparent that she was more interested in me than I was in her. Still, I gave her what time I could and went looking to see if there was anything there. All that I found was that I just wasn't interested in her, but I still want to be her friend. This doesn't seem to be in the cards, however. Every step I take to try and have a conversation with her or spend time with her, regardless of how casual and non-committal I may be, is quashed or sidestepped. I'm not one to feel jilted, if she doesn't want to spend time with me then ok. What's been giving me reason to ponder is the "all or nothing" attitude that seems to have left it's stamp on our relationship.

Just because we started out as potential love interests doesn't mean we can't be friends. Just because I'm friends with a girl doesn't mean we can't become romantically involved. Even were I to hate someone vehemently, we could still become friends further down the road. Relationships are meant to grow and progress, and a lot of times that growth and progress involves a categorical change. Admittedly, there are a great many relationships that will blossom as they are. Friendship as a category has no upper limit, neither do any other categorical distinctions. The only limit I'd put on any of this is an absolute zero, because if you've never interacted with a person (or with their ideas, actions, etc.) it's impossible to have a relationship with them.

I can't require anyone to change. I love and respect those around me far too much to even approach the idea. All I can do is change myself as is appropriate and try to become that difference I'm looking for. But that doesn't mitigate the frustration I feel when I run into this wall.

So it's come to this.

There seems to be something about the early mornings and a grasp at self-expression, I'm not satisfied with my situation and so I thrust my ideas out into the ether hoping that something will come of it. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for and I doubt I'd recognize it if it came, but here I am.

Over the past several years I've been diagnosed with a litany of disorders; I suffer from fibromyalgia, obstructive and central sleep apnea, dysthymia, severe anxiety, patellofemoral syndrome (in my left knee), and a growth in part of my skull due to fibrous dysplasia. Add that to the asthma I've had all my life and the wide variety of injuries I've experienced and I find myself significantly less than comfortable all day every day.

Now, this isn't some ploy to illicit pity. I simply want you to know what it means when I say "I don't feel good," or "Because of my health."

Because of my health and certain developments with the symptoms of my fibromyalgia I can no longer keep regular hours. I'm wide awake until the early morning each and every night regardless of how tired I am or my efforts to fall asleep. And since I've found my self awake at such ridiculous hours every night I've found ways of filling my time. Because of this time, for instance, I've become quite a bit better at the ukulele. Unfortunately that's the extent of the good that's come from these late hours.

By and large I find myself in a haze and at a loss for words. I can never make it to class or work because I sleep all through the day and my attempts to get out and do things in the evenings are feeble at best. The line that's been drawn through all of this is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my life has become nothing more than an exercise in futility and that it will stay that way. As I sit here in my room and listen to the ringing in my ears I can't help but wonder how I'm going to get through the next day. But I don't usually get very far because it's hard to think through the ringing, and the deep ache in my arms and my legs, and the crawling feeling across my skin.

Well, I suppose something will happen. It always does.