So it's come to this.

There seems to be something about the early mornings and a grasp at self-expression, I'm not satisfied with my situation and so I thrust my ideas out into the ether hoping that something will come of it. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for and I doubt I'd recognize it if it came, but here I am.

Over the past several years I've been diagnosed with a litany of disorders; I suffer from fibromyalgia, obstructive and central sleep apnea, dysthymia, severe anxiety, patellofemoral syndrome (in my left knee), and a growth in part of my skull due to fibrous dysplasia. Add that to the asthma I've had all my life and the wide variety of injuries I've experienced and I find myself significantly less than comfortable all day every day.

Now, this isn't some ploy to illicit pity. I simply want you to know what it means when I say "I don't feel good," or "Because of my health."

Because of my health and certain developments with the symptoms of my fibromyalgia I can no longer keep regular hours. I'm wide awake until the early morning each and every night regardless of how tired I am or my efforts to fall asleep. And since I've found my self awake at such ridiculous hours every night I've found ways of filling my time. Because of this time, for instance, I've become quite a bit better at the ukulele. Unfortunately that's the extent of the good that's come from these late hours.

By and large I find myself in a haze and at a loss for words. I can never make it to class or work because I sleep all through the day and my attempts to get out and do things in the evenings are feeble at best. The line that's been drawn through all of this is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my life has become nothing more than an exercise in futility and that it will stay that way. As I sit here in my room and listen to the ringing in my ears I can't help but wonder how I'm going to get through the next day. But I don't usually get very far because it's hard to think through the ringing, and the deep ache in my arms and my legs, and the crawling feeling across my skin.

Well, I suppose something will happen. It always does.