Here am I.

I've found that anonymity has no place in life. The well lived life is defined by the flow of information. The more I learn and the more I teach the better my life will be. The subject of this blog will be my self; my thoughts, feelings, observations, beliefs, as much as I can lay bare to you.
This does not mean that I disregard the control of information, I will carry certain secrets to my grave. This means that I recognize how powerful this information can be and I try to treat it with the respect it deserves.
As such there will be no gossip, no news, no lies, no fiction displayed here. I will share prudently in order to guard the lives and secrets of those I love while still sharing what depth of understanding they've helped me to attain.
I don't know how long this will last. This may be a flight of fancy or a capricious whim, it may find its way into the annals of history. Whatever the case may be, my only intention is to use this tool to build my life and my self. I only hope that my life is worth living, and that I am worth knowing.
You are welcome to read, you are welcome to comment, you are welcome to enter my experience in whatever way you see fit. But please, respect me for who I am.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Reasons

I've been laying in bed for the last little while thinking about why I do certain things. The most pressing of which is why I don't try to go to bed earlier than 3 or 4 AM. The short answer is that I'm afraid. The long answer is... well, long.

In the past month and a half (give or take) there's only been one occasion where I've been able to fall asleep before 3AM. As of the last week and a half (closer to two, probably) I've just given up. I only go to bed when there is no doubt in my mind that I'll be able to fall asleep within a half-hour of my head hitting the pillow. I've realized that the reason I do this is because I'm afraid that if I fall asleep at a normal time then I'll no longer have a good reason for feeling awful the next day. If I fall asleep at ten then I have no reason for waking up at 1 PM, I have no reason for not having a productive day, I have no reason for staying home most of the day, and I have no reason not to trudge down to campus to stare that great dragon square in the face.

I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that my long list of neurological, sleep, and physical maladies are good reasons to stay home and take care of myself. It seems to me that a lot of it rests on the fact that I just want to be normal. I don't want to have a debilitating neurological disorder, I don't want to fall behind the rest of the world. But I do, and I have, and I feel like I need a concrete reason for it all. Or something like that. Once again, I don't know.

I know that I should hit the hay earlier. I know that I should try everything I can, and when none of it works I should start right back at the top of the list. I know that this will improve my health if I ever do fall asleep, and even if I don't then my efforts will add a measure of validation to forcibly slow pace. But I'm scared, irrationally so.
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