I Fell Like A Waif

As my health has declined these past few weeks I've felt my progression change. It's weird to put words to the idea, but it's as if I'm on a six lane highway and I have to slow down so that my car will last the trip. But as I slow down I both pay more attention to my vehicle and to the movements of the cars around me. Now take this concept of movement and relative speed, leave the people, and replace the cars with spheres of influence and the highway with experience. (Also recognize that, for the purposes of this monologue, an individual's sphere of influence is almost entirely their self.) When I interact with others I feel like I can see them moving around and past me, I can see them moving through the ether taking advantage of the opportunities that appear. I can almost literally see them move. I can see these people around me, with the capacity to fulfill their potential, progressing towards that fulfillment. It seems to me that my potential rivals the best of them, but that I am incapable of moving with the swiftness and direction that they have.  

From this viewpoint I see people that I would fit with, I see groups of individuals moving in tandem and heading towards a common end, I see this vast community of people defined in large part by their movement and speed relative to one another and to an encompassing standard. And yet, invariably, I cannot keep up with them. I cannot become a member of their group despite being a member of their community. I must move at a different pace because of my condition, because of my limitations, and because of that I am left behind. Not so much left behind, but left between. I move from group to group not because I choose to, not because of some noble ability to fly here and there on a whim, but because the groups around me are always changing. In slowing down I have become an anomaly in this ever changing environment, and because of that I often find myself alone.

When I move through a group (or a group moves around me) I become a temporary member. I have a fleeting glance at that group's inner workings during a brief period of interaction and mutual influence, but then we continue at our respective speeds and separate. I most often find myself between groups; I find myself alone physically, emotionally, and intellectually at different times and in different ways. And there are some absolutely terrifying times when I find myself alone in every way at once. 

I feel like there has to be a fairly large change before I'll be a more permanent member of a group. I don't know if I have to remove the circumstances that limit my pace or if I have to find someone to pull me along. I know that these are both things that I want, but I don't know if either is a lasting solution (let alone the best solution). I don't even know if there is a solution, or if I need a solution. Maybe my unique pace and perspective grant me some profound autonomy, some blessed ability to move in more meaningful and deliberate ways. 

I don't know. I fell like a waif amongst these distinctions and now I try and make the best of what I don't know. Thrilling moments of connection and belonging punctuate the otherwise empty space between groups within a community. All I know for certain is that I have to keep moving.